"COMPUTER POWER TO THE PEOPLE! DOWN WITH CYBERCRUD!" - Theodor Nelson
Friday, August 15, 2003
Amen...And All you smart asses who put down the South...Take Note!
I got this emailed to me from my lovely wife
Fourteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
To ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners,
North-westerners, Westerners and Southwestern
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast
24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen,
Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,
etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. It's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small
lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill
Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we
are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move
to our state in order to run for the Senate. If
someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee.
Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy.
And do NOT EVER put sugar on your grits, or we'll
kick your ass.
8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a
riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught
fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to BA-STON HAA-BAH.
12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer
our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or
they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they
13) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because
most of us live in the countryside? That's because
we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get
your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus